The 9 Stages of Breakup Grief and How to Get Your Confidence Back

The 9 Stages of Breakup Grief (according to Dr. Suzanne Lachmann) and How to Get Your Confidence Back

If you’ve ever thought, “I was doing fine yesterday, so why does this feel like a setback today?” that back-and-forth is often the most disorienting part of a breakup. One moment there’s clarity or calm. The next, something small pulls you back into old thoughts, reactions, or emotional territory that felt resolved. The denial, panic, sadness, anger.. all of those are phases..

This shifting isn’t a sign of regression. Breakup grief doesn’t move forward in a straight line. It moves in stages that overlap, repeat, and resurface. Progress can coexist with familiar emotional states, which is why healing can feel unpredictable even when real change is happening.

That’s where the idea of the nine stages of grieving a breakup comes in. Developed by clinical psychologist Dr. Suzanne Lachmann, this framework is rooted in traditional grief theory but adapted specifically for romantic loss. Breakups involve attachment, identity, expectation, and emotional investment in ways that create a very particular psychological process.

These stages aren’t steps to complete or boxes to check. They exist to explain the pattern. Understanding the pattern changes the experience. It removes the sense that something is going wrong and replaces it with context.

Below, I’ll walk you through each stage, not as a timeline or prescription, but as a lens. One that helps you recognize where you are, why it makes sense, and how confidence begins to return as the process integrates.

Stage One of Breakup Grief: Shock – The First Stage

One minute you're scrolling Instagram before bed, and the next you're staring at their profile like your brain physically can't process what just happened. Your stomach drops, your chest gets tight, and everything around you feels surreal, like you're watching your own life from outside your body. Maybe you cry immediately, or maybe you go completely numb, or maybe you can't stop moving around your apartment because sitting still makes the reality too heavy to bear.

Here's what makes shock so disorienting after a breakup: it doesn't feel like one consistent emotion. You might find yourself laughing at a meme your friend sends, then suddenly crying two seconds later for seemingly no reason at all. You tell people you're fine when you're absolutely not fine, because admitting the truth out loud makes it undeniably real, and you're not ready for that yet.

What's actually happening is your brain is stalling. It's buying time, creating distance, trying to manage what your heart isn't ready to accept. Some people stay in the shock stage for a few days, while others find themselves stuck there for weeks. You might catch yourself thinking "maybe this isn't really happening" or "they'll probably text me soon and everything will go back to normal," even when logically you know that's not true.

That's denial starting to creep in, and honestly? A little bit of denial isn't the worst thing when you're grieving a breakup. Your brain is actually protecting you from experiencing the full weight of this loss all at once.

​Stage Two of Breakup Grief: Denial – Convincing Yourself This Isn't Real

Denial doesn't always look like denial. You might find yourself rereading old text conversations over and over, or replaying imaginary future conversations where everything gets resolved. You tell yourself "maybe they just need some space" or "once they calm down, we can actually talk about this."

Or maybe you're scrolling their Instagram or TikTok looking for clues. You analyze every post, every story, every like. Are they sad? Do they look too happy? Is there anyone new in their photos? You wonder if that song they posted is about you, if that vague caption is directed at you, and what any of it actually means. It can feel exhausting and kind of stupid and infuriating all at the same time. But it's also completely normal when you're grieving a breakup.

Here's what denial actually does: it gives your brain time to catch up with what your heart might already know. Accepting the full truth can feel impossible, so denial acts like a buffer. It's your mind protecting you from information you're not ready to handle yet. Sometimes during this stage, old patterns from the relationship start surfacing. You might catch yourself asking "why did I tolerate those last-minute cancellations?" or "why did I make excuses for behavior I'd never accept from anyone else?" It’s important to remember that these are NOT questions to beat yourself up with. They're just information your brain is starting to process about what actually happened, not what you hoped was happening.

The denial stage can last for weeks, sometimes months. You might notice thoughts like "maybe they're just mad/confused" or "I'll text them later and it'll be fine" or "it wasn't really that bad." If those sound familiar, denial is likely where you're sitting right now. And you know what? That's okay. Your brain is doing what it needs to do. The danger isn't being in denial for a while. The danger is staying there too long, because that's when people sometimes make choices they regret later, like jumping into rebound relationships as a distraction or using too many substances to numb what they're avoiding.

Stage Three of Breakup Grief: Seeking Answers – When You Need Closure

This stage can feel obsessive. Your brain replays every conversation, every text, every "good moment," searching for a clue that makes sense of what happened. Questions run on repeat: "Why did they do that?" "Could I have stopped it?" "Were we ever really happy?" "What did I miss?"

Some people find themselves Googling things at 2am, looking for articles that explain their ex's behavior. Reading about abandonment or attachment styles or why people leave. Scrolling forums where strangers analyze breakups like detectives. Others stare at their phone thinking maybe they'll text with an explanation that finally makes it all click.

It's exhausting. You're looking for logic in something that might not have any. Breakups don't always make sense. Sometimes people leave and the reason they give isn't the real reason. Sometimes there isn't a satisfying answer at all.

The need for closure after a breakup is real. But closure doesn't always come from the other person. Sometimes it has to come from you deciding you're done waiting for an explanation that might never arrive. This stage of grief can last days, weeks, or months depending on how the relationship ended. If there was betrayal or sudden abandonment, the need for answers can feel even more intense.

Signs you might be seeking answers: Do you keep replaying conversations looking for what you missed? Are you analyzing their behavior for patterns? Do you want to reach out just to ask "why" one more time?  That urge for closure is your brain trying to file this away in a way that makes sense. But sometimes the only closure available is accepting that you might never fully understand why it happened the way it did.

Stage Four of Breakup Grief: Bargaining – Trying to Fix What's Gone

This is where denial can shift into bargaining. Your brain starts running scenarios: "If only I had said something differently." "If only I tried harder." "If only I reached out one more time, maybe things would be different." Some people craft entire conversations in their head that will never happen. Others actually send those texts or emails begging the person to come back, then regret them almost immediately.

The bargaining stage of grief can be brutal because it's where old patterns might surface. You might start seeing the moments where you tolerated things you shouldn't have, where you made yourself smaller, where you ignored your own needs. This is not the time to blame yourself. Use this information to understand what actually happened versus what you wanted to happen.

Bargaining can sound like "what if I had been less needy?" or "maybe if I give them space they'll come back" or "if I just explain myself better, they'll understand" or "I can change, I can be different and better for them." The tricky part is that bargaining keeps you focused on what you could have done differently instead of accepting what is. Your brain is trying to regain control over something that's already over.

Signs you might be in the bargaining stage: Are you replaying conversations and rewriting them in your head? Do you keep thinking "if only I had..." or "maybe if I just..."? Are you looking for the magic words that will change their mind? Bargaining is your brain's way of trying to undo what happened. But you can't negotiate your way out of a breakup that's already done.

Stage Five of Breakup Grief: Internal Bargaining – Blaming Yourself

After trying to fix things externally, the focus can shift inward. This is where you start dissecting every word you said, every choice you made, every perceived imperfection, wondering if that's what caused the breakup. Thoughts like "if only I had been more patient" or "if only I had been more understanding" or "if only I had been more fun, more easygoing, more whatever they wanted." Internal bargaining can be brutal because now you're not just grieving the relationship. You're also beating yourself up for how it ended.

The difference between external and internal bargaining is where the blame lands. External bargaining focuses on what you could have done to save the relationship. Internal bargaining and blaming focuses on what's wrong with you as a person.

It's easy to spiral here, to convince yourself that you're unlovable, that you always mess things up, that you're not enough. Your brain is trying to make sense of the pain by finding a reason, and sometimes it's easier to blame yourself than to accept that some things just don't work out. But here's what matters: you did your best with what you knew at the time. You're allowed to be human. You're allowed to have made mistakes without those mistakes defining your worth.

Signs you might be in internal bargaining: Are you obsessing over your flaws? Do you keep thinking "I should have been better" or "if I had just been different, they would have stayed"? Internal bargaining keeps you stuck in shame. And shame doesn't heal anything.

Stage Six of Breakup Grief: Relapse – The Pull of the Past

Relapse can be sneaky. One day you feel like you're moving forward. The next day you're texting them, or checking their social media again after you said you wouldn't, or agreeing to "just meet up to talk." Relapse doesn't mean you’re failing or messed up your progress. It means part of you is still entangled in the old pattern. Your brain remembers the good parts. Your body remembers the familiar parts. And sometimes the loneliness or the pain feels worse than going back, even when you know going back won't fix anything.

The relapse stage of breakup grief can happen multiple times. You might move forward for weeks, then something triggers you and you're right back to square one. A song, a smell, a place you used to go together. Suddenly you're texting them or looking at old photos or convincing yourself that maybe this time it could be different.

What makes relapse hard is the shame that comes after. You feel like you should be "over it" by now. You feel like you're going backward. You feel like you're weak for wanting them even though you know they're not good for you. But relapse is part of the process for a lot of people. Grief isn't linear. You don't move through the stages in a straight line and never look back.

Signs you might be in the relapse stage: Are you reaching out after saying you wouldn't? Are you checking their social media again? Are you thinking about "just one conversation" to get closure? Do you feel pulled back toward them even though you know it won't end well? The pull of the past is strong, especially when the present feels empty or painful. But going back doesn't make the grief go away. It just delays it.

Stage Eight of Breakup Grief: Anger – The Fire That Wakes You Up

Anger can arrive like a shot of adrenaline. Suddenly you're seeing things clearly that you couldn't see before. The disrespect, the manipulation, the times they dismissed your feelings or made you feel small. Maybe you feel actual rage. Maybe it's petty rage about small things you tolerated at the time. Maybe it's bigger rage about patterns you can finally name now that you have distance.

The anger stage of breakup grief can feel intense. Some people are scared of their own anger because they've been taught that anger is bad or unproductive. But anger after a breakup serves a purpose. It helps you stop blaming yourself. It helps you see the relationship for what it actually was instead of what you wanted it to be. This stage might look like suddenly seeing red flags you missed or ignored, feeling furious about how they treated you, being angry at yourself for staying as long as you did, wanting to tell them off or set the record straight, or feeling protective of your past self who didn't deserve that treatment.

Some people skip anger entirely and go straight to sadness. Some people get stuck in anger for months or years. The healthiest version of anger is when it moves through you instead of staying lodged in your body. When you hold anger in, it can turn into resentment, bitterness, or physical tension that shows up as headaches, jaw clenching, or stomach issues.

Signs you might be in the anger stage: Are you suddenly seeing the relationship differently? Do you feel furious when you think about specific things they said or did? Are you replaying moments and thinking "I can't believe I put up with that"? Remember that anger is information. Your body saying "that wasn't okay." Let it move. Don't hold it in and don't let it consume you. The fire of anger can fuel the next stage of your healing if you let it move through you instead of getting stuck there.

Stage Nine of Breakup Grief: Hope – The Subtle Return of Possibility

Hope can show up quietly, so quietly you might not even notice it at first. Maybe you laugh at something and realize you haven't genuinely laughed in weeks, or you reach out to a friend you've been avoiding, or you catch yourself thinking about the future without that heavy weight in your chest.

The hope stage of breakup grief doesn't arrive with fireworks. It creeps in slowly through a good day here, a moment of peace there, a flicker of curiosity about what comes next. This stage might look like reconnecting with friends you distanced yourself from, feeling interested in hobbies or activities again, imagining a future that doesn't include your ex, making plans that excite you instead of just distract you, or rebuilding your life for yourself instead of for anyone else.

Some people feel guilty when hope arrives, like they're betraying the relationship or moving on too fast. But hope doesn't mean you've forgotten what happened. It means you're starting to believe you can be okay again. Hope is different from denial or bargaining because in those earlier stages, you might have hoped they'd come back or hoped things would change. This kind of hope is about you, about your own life, your own future, your own possibility.

You start imagining a life where you feel strong again, where you feel respected, where you're excited about what's coming instead of stuck in what's gone. Signs you might be entering the hope stage: Are you having more good days than bad? Do you catch yourself making future plans? Are you thinking about what you want instead of what they wanted? Do you feel lighter, even if just for moments at a time?

Hope is fragile at first and you might slip back into sadness or anger. That's normal because grief isn't linear. But each time hope returns, it gets a little stronger. This is where you start rebuilding your confidence, not by pretending the breakup didn't hurt, but by proving to yourself that you can survive it and come out the other side.

How EFT Tapping Helps You Move Through Every Stage of Breakup Grief

Breakup grief is messy. You rage, cry, spiral, relapse, rant, and then sometimes laugh at yourself for how ridiculous it all feels. Healing isn't linear. You loop, you revisit, you think you're done with anger and then it shows up again three weeks later. That's normal, that's human, and you're allowed to feel all of it.

But here's where most people get stuck: they try to think their way through grief. They analyze it, try to understand it, and wait for time to heal it. While understanding helps and time does soften things, neither of those actually releases the emotional charge that's stuck in your body. That's where EFT tapping comes in.

EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) works with your nervous system, not just your thoughts. When you're going through a breakup, your body is stuck in fight-or-flight mode. Every reminder of your ex triggers a stress response. Your body floods with cortisol, your chest gets tight, your stomach drops. You can't think your way out of that physical response. EFT helps by tapping on specific acupressure points while you focus on the emotions and beliefs keeping you stuck. The tapping sends calming signals to your amygdala, and over time your brain learns that thinking about the breakup doesn't have to trigger a full-body panic.

You can use EFT on your own and get some relief, but here's what you can't do alone: you can't see your own blind spots, identify the deeper beliefs driving the patterns, or guide yourself through the layers of grief you don't even know are there yet. When you work with me, I help you identify what you're actually grieving, find the specific memories and beliefs that need to be processed, navigate the stages without getting stuck, rebuild your confidence by addressing core wounds, and stop repeating the same relationship patterns in your next relationship. You build your confidence up again bit by bit even after everything’s that happened.

You don't have to figure this out alone. You don't have to spend years stuck in grief, waiting for it to magically resolve itself.

You Deserve Better

You deserve better than crumbs, excuses, or half-hearted efforts. You always did. And you deserve support that actually helps you heal instead of just managing the pain. Alongside powerful, transformational coaching, EFT tapping is your tool to move through the stages, release the feelings, and reclaim your confidence. Step by step. Tap by tap. You will feel lighter, stronger, and more alive.

Ready to stop suffering and start healing?

Join my monthly Healing Your Heartbreak Workshop - a 90-minute online session where you'll learn EFT tapping techniques, get clarity on what you're actually grieving, and walk away with tools you can use immediately. Includes lifetime WhatsApp group access.

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Start 2026 with clarity at my Rise & Renew Workshop - January 4th, 2026. A 3-hour deep dive to help you release 2025's heartbreak and create your vision for the year ahead. Online.

Or join me in person in Las Palmas, Gran Canaria for an immersive healing workshop. Sunshine, community, and transformation. Limited spots available.

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Prefer 1:1 support with me to help you through this difficult time? Book a free consultation and we'll use EFT tapping to start processing your grief so you can move forward.

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